There is nothing better

There is nothing better than a little bruise left from a lovebite. There is nothing better than a bearded lover that looks like something out of your meanderings of the ways things fit together. There is nothing better than a large mushroom growing quietly in a field of cotton . There is nothing better feeling a kimono that wraps around and inside you. There is nothing better than his black hair , dark and shocking as electric wire.

Dinky the Hunchback

It’s like the past comes to bite you in the ass so hard. A past that wasn’t but a week ago. You think you’re over someone and blam , they pull you right back into their mess. Then when they’re done with you they eject you. How many times do I make up these sex rules for myself and them just break them. I’m feeling a little Holden Caulfield than anything these days . Slightly psychopathic in a very mild mannered way. It’s not that I want to hurt people. I just don’t want to be hurt. I think when it comes to love this is the mantra of the men I date. I feel like I’m holding onto these people like a somewhat empty tube of toothpaste. I’m just hoping to squeeze just a bit more love even though it seems like there is less and less every day. I keep squeezing, say a prayer , and get looks from people when I tell them about my beloved tube of toothpaste.
Freaks. I think these are the kinds of people that will love me. I’m so complicated and messed up that if what was on the inside was on the outside , I would be a carnie. Like seriously. Dinky the Hunchback.

It sucks the all this pain a person has to endure in order to maintain their belief in love. How many times can a person have their hearts broken before they just say fuck it or they are so stingy with their love that it has to be pried out of them. Am I hanging on to bits just so I can feel the occasional rush of love when I’m with this person? History shows yes indeed. Stomp all over my heart, I’ll hate you for a little bit and then love you again in a matter of time. It sucks feeling so deeply while wanting to make others happy. It’s like learning tightrope walk. You’re always falling and hurting, but no matter what you want to make it to the other side without breaking something. I want to videotape my heart falling in and out of love , does change color like a mood ring. Just ever so slightly. Right now it would be that awkward brown that is like indifference mixed with hope, is that possible? I think so because that is how I feel. Not tonight, not 100%.

This is just to say that I crave Nirvana

No I'm not in need of hearing the lat and great Kurt Cobain screech about the injustices of the world.

I want Nirvana as it is define as being the wanting of nothing.

I want to not want

where does a person start with that ?

Is it pure Buddhist logic to think of things like this

I'm always wanting constantly

since I could remember I wanted things

I used to fantasize about having the prettiest pinkest puffiest dressed Barbie when I was a girl

now it's men and makeup and clothes

I love them all but she i didn't

I'm not merely speaking of buyer’s remorse

it's a lot more than that.

It like I’ve put negative energy into the universe every time I don’t get these things

Am I spoiled

I think I was

I have a lot

Not as much as a lot of people

But definitely more that I need

And these decision I make buying and indulging these desires never manifest in satisfaction.

May be every time I fall in love

May be every time I buy something I don’t need

I lose something of myself

Nirvana please grace me with your presence.

Gray’s Anatomy

Organs of Special Senses

I see and hear the silence before he overfills the room with anger. I enjoy the seconds of quiet and ignore the stare that could cover me in rashes. In my face , I see and hear him , my ears ring with the repetition of “fuck you” , my eyes water and I retch , vomit on the hardwood floor. I see it, an orange brown puddle. I leave it there for him to slip on.

The Female Organs of Generation

Inside it is soft as fleece; it could stay forever, as it might. The baby , that is born in my dreams . silent but alive in my arms. Fatherless and fearless we carry on together . Our utopia , we are pale beauties that look like creatures underwater. Perfect clear eyes stare and seek comfort and small hands clutch my hair as we journey through the capricious landscapes. I wrap the baby in a shawl of yellow satin and wool . It coos and pouts, I wake to empty arms and a longing that remains inside.

Embryology

My father was gone during my gestation. He left my mom alone with her mother while he was strung out on coke and whiskey with his brothers. He lost his tractor repair business and filed bankruptcy while I grew inside my mother. Every dollar my father made was snorted up his nose as my mom decorated the insides of house with slate blue, brown, and brass fixtures. I was planned she told me. Not well enough I thought.

Written: March 26, 2009

Harvest Goat

Hoping for better weather, they slaughtered the goat but left the one-legged virgin alive, to forever wait for marriage. She saved herself convincing the elders that a goat is sturdier and more able bodied to climb the stones steps above where the gods of harvest stir and take only pitiful pleas and moans of desperation.

Written: March 26, 2009

Half a Mind

Waiting on a wizard to undo what is wrong

To split a spirit into two

Logic and magic

To be harmonious and amorous

Without ground to do so

Saying and praying akin to

The bird on the branch that sings to soft air

With a potion to disrupt this rigid policy of living

Unbind sins and mix with virtuous

Can you spot a variation?

Stay stray and it might occur

Matching spirits all of us

Us, fighting and spotting the unusual

To watch this saintly spoil

Is brutal

Stitch our spirits back, a poor wizard is worn out

Coming into and backing out of dark and light

A balance of insight in twilight

A rotation of truth

a solitary solution

As all turn to not just our natural world

But to the amorphous wisdom

To fair this world

Would transform man and woman

A will full of atoms

Brain and brawn away

Into what is always

Magic and logic

Wizard and witch

Child and fairy

Animal and plant

pit and dirt

All us and you

The obvious and

The oblivious

Written: February 8, 2009

For my Valentine

I feel like :

Once a piece of my valentine heart flew from my chest
Landed in front of me
and grew
Into him
he is a redwood tree
strong and fragrant
a Smooth long branch
Glistening with dew
Towering so gently
wrapping me in warmth greater than the sun
The wind blows through
Leafs loosen and memories fall
I pick them up and make a bed for us
Lovers lying on the forest floor
Nesting birds chirp in delight to see love like that
They know he will always be there
A tree made of lost love and romance reanimated
Like no other
Together
We grow into eachother


Written: February 14, 2008