This is just to say that I crave Nirvana

No I'm not in need of hearing the lat and great Kurt Cobain screech about the injustices of the world.

I want Nirvana as it is define as being the wanting of nothing.

I want to not want

where does a person start with that ?

Is it pure Buddhist logic to think of things like this

I'm always wanting constantly

since I could remember I wanted things

I used to fantasize about having the prettiest pinkest puffiest dressed Barbie when I was a girl

now it's men and makeup and clothes

I love them all but she i didn't

I'm not merely speaking of buyer’s remorse

it's a lot more than that.

It like I’ve put negative energy into the universe every time I don’t get these things

Am I spoiled

I think I was

I have a lot

Not as much as a lot of people

But definitely more that I need

And these decision I make buying and indulging these desires never manifest in satisfaction.

May be every time I fall in love

May be every time I buy something I don’t need

I lose something of myself

Nirvana please grace me with your presence.

Gray’s Anatomy

Organs of Special Senses

I see and hear the silence before he overfills the room with anger. I enjoy the seconds of quiet and ignore the stare that could cover me in rashes. In my face , I see and hear him , my ears ring with the repetition of “fuck you” , my eyes water and I retch , vomit on the hardwood floor. I see it, an orange brown puddle. I leave it there for him to slip on.

The Female Organs of Generation

Inside it is soft as fleece; it could stay forever, as it might. The baby , that is born in my dreams . silent but alive in my arms. Fatherless and fearless we carry on together . Our utopia , we are pale beauties that look like creatures underwater. Perfect clear eyes stare and seek comfort and small hands clutch my hair as we journey through the capricious landscapes. I wrap the baby in a shawl of yellow satin and wool . It coos and pouts, I wake to empty arms and a longing that remains inside.

Embryology

My father was gone during my gestation. He left my mom alone with her mother while he was strung out on coke and whiskey with his brothers. He lost his tractor repair business and filed bankruptcy while I grew inside my mother. Every dollar my father made was snorted up his nose as my mom decorated the insides of house with slate blue, brown, and brass fixtures. I was planned she told me. Not well enough I thought.

Written: March 26, 2009

Harvest Goat

Hoping for better weather, they slaughtered the goat but left the one-legged virgin alive, to forever wait for marriage. She saved herself convincing the elders that a goat is sturdier and more able bodied to climb the stones steps above where the gods of harvest stir and take only pitiful pleas and moans of desperation.

Written: March 26, 2009

Half a Mind

Waiting on a wizard to undo what is wrong

To split a spirit into two

Logic and magic

To be harmonious and amorous

Without ground to do so

Saying and praying akin to

The bird on the branch that sings to soft air

With a potion to disrupt this rigid policy of living

Unbind sins and mix with virtuous

Can you spot a variation?

Stay stray and it might occur

Matching spirits all of us

Us, fighting and spotting the unusual

To watch this saintly spoil

Is brutal

Stitch our spirits back, a poor wizard is worn out

Coming into and backing out of dark and light

A balance of insight in twilight

A rotation of truth

a solitary solution

As all turn to not just our natural world

But to the amorphous wisdom

To fair this world

Would transform man and woman

A will full of atoms

Brain and brawn away

Into what is always

Magic and logic

Wizard and witch

Child and fairy

Animal and plant

pit and dirt

All us and you

The obvious and

The oblivious

Written: February 8, 2009

For my Valentine

I feel like :

Once a piece of my valentine heart flew from my chest
Landed in front of me
and grew
Into him
he is a redwood tree
strong and fragrant
a Smooth long branch
Glistening with dew
Towering so gently
wrapping me in warmth greater than the sun
The wind blows through
Leafs loosen and memories fall
I pick them up and make a bed for us
Lovers lying on the forest floor
Nesting birds chirp in delight to see love like that
They know he will always be there
A tree made of lost love and romance reanimated
Like no other
Together
We grow into eachother


Written: February 14, 2008

no distance between

Euphoric in the Name of you

I want you

You got me.

Feel magic

Running my fingers

Under your waistband

Positive

And a little insecure

I see you...

In the future

You

Me

And happiness

A welcome mat to

Love

I feel the grit and the comfort of reaching home

Only familiar in dreams

Built on what I thought were lies

Fables of greatness

Musing of men

No truth in bashings.

Fights

I welcome

Goodness never comes out

Calmness

Where passion is absent

Put out

Patootie to my cutie…

Your heads…

The salt and sensation of both

Carouse

I find all things erect in the presence of such

Consumptions

No sugar added...

But still sweet as all hell and the heaven

Where love rests.

Mourn both

Bitter

Sweet

Thick and thin

Eyebrows

Dance

As they both watch in aye

Friends

Lovers

Take me to a hidden place

Where passion lies naked

And waiting

Tension builds

Lubing tight spots with

Neck kisses and hickies that

The sensitive skin is grateful for.

A journal of self and interest

Rest in meows and barks

We. Products of

Domestic beasts

And nutriment

To make our own.

Written: September 11, 2007 - Tuesday

random but thoughtful

Withdrawal from

The smell of gold

And blood, bold red

To be invisible dust that settles

Disappear into

Teak of chopsticks

In cracks and splitters

I rest

To be the invisible

To the carousing

And the erect




Written: June 6, 2007