Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Instead of Disappearing...


One day Willow read a book that told her that she was merely just watching her life.  Like everything that happened to her was a television program or a motion picture.  Then it clicked.  Every time she watched Ghost World , she felt  a sadness when Enid Coleslaw got on the bus and left forever.  The bitter feeling of loss stuck with her for days after watching the VHS she played every so often as she folded laundry.
If her life was merely something she watched , she longed to change the channel. She looked everywhere for the remote control. Under couch cushions, under the armoire, in the fridge. There was a little bit of anxiety here if not urgency .  Then she started looking in weird places like in the backseat of the car of the guy she was fucking every once a week or so. He would wonder why she, naked with his oyster inside of her , needed to look for anything after he gave her his righteous animal sex.  She started looking for it in the front yard as she pulled weeds by the roots. She felt such natural violence would make this remote appear. She looked in bottles of muscle relaxers. She felt the remote in her hands but she never quite wanted to grasp it at that point.
She became lazy and stopped looking for it. She thought about it from time to time.  She wondered why the guy she fucked never called her back and thought maybe she should talk to him again. He might have hidden this remote. He said he didn’t have it and thought she was one of the strangest girls that wouldn’t let him fuck her up the ass. He tried.  The next time she saw him he tried again. She said  it hurt when he tried to stick his dick in her ass , he spit on his dick and stuck it in slowly and continued . She turned around and punched him. He smiled and then she got dressed.  He dropped her off and there was the remote glimmering on the bridge she lived next to. She could see it in the twilight of the moon . He speed off and she walked to the bridge, mesmerized by the device that would change the boredom of her own existence.
At the bridge time slowed down.  Late night traffic created some sort of congratulatory whistle of success in finding the remote control.  As she got closer to the remote her many hearts fell into her stomach and then shifted around her lungs. She felt like she had pulled a muscle, she was so excited. As she bent down to retrieve the remote control it fell in the water. She jumped in after it , the water stung her skin. Her skull was crushed in sections and she searched for it blindly in the water.  Bones were broken and she gasped for air. Something hit her in the chest. It felt natural. Like it was herself collapsing from the inside out. She was fascinated with the feeling and everything changed, everything turned to static.