Monday, June 14, 2010

Dinky the Hunchback

It’s like the past comes to bite you in the ass so hard. A past that wasn’t but a week ago. You think you’re over someone and blam , they pull you right back into their mess. Then when they’re done with you they eject you. How many times do I make up these sex rules for myself and them just break them. I’m feeling a little Holden Caulfield than anything these days . Slightly psychopathic in a very mild mannered way. It’s not that I want to hurt people. I just don’t want to be hurt. I think when it comes to love this is the mantra of the men I date. I feel like I’m holding onto these people like a somewhat empty tube of toothpaste. I’m just hoping to squeeze just a bit more love even though it seems like there is less and less every day. I keep squeezing, say a prayer , and get looks from people when I tell them about my beloved tube of toothpaste.
Freaks. I think these are the kinds of people that will love me. I’m so complicated and messed up that if what was on the inside was on the outside , I would be a carnie. Like seriously. Dinky the Hunchback.

It sucks the all this pain a person has to endure in order to maintain their belief in love. How many times can a person have their hearts broken before they just say fuck it or they are so stingy with their love that it has to be pried out of them. Am I hanging on to bits just so I can feel the occasional rush of love when I’m with this person? History shows yes indeed. Stomp all over my heart, I’ll hate you for a little bit and then love you again in a matter of time. It sucks feeling so deeply while wanting to make others happy. It’s like learning tightrope walk. You’re always falling and hurting, but no matter what you want to make it to the other side without breaking something. I want to videotape my heart falling in and out of love , does change color like a mood ring. Just ever so slightly. Right now it would be that awkward brown that is like indifference mixed with hope, is that possible? I think so because that is how I feel. Not tonight, not 100%.